I have been really down the last 2 days. 
They kind of down that you have no control over.  
They kind of down that sneaks up on you and just seems to make a home in you, like a wood tick burrowing in your skin, thinking hes found a nice place to stay when really he is so unwanted.

My grandparents make me smile.  All the time.  
They always have.

Lately when I have been with them I find myself not smiling.  

I find myself worrying and trying to solve problems they have been encountering as they age.  For those of you that have gone through this, or are going through this.....Im sorry for you and please feel sorry for me back.  Its awful.  Pills, diapers, infections, the right food, cleanliness and the list could go on for pages more.  Its more than hard to watch.....Its stressful, draining and just plain awful.  And for them it must be so much worse.  My grandma has cried the last 3 times I've been there.  Shes sad and ashamed and embarrassed of things happening.  Things she doesnt have much control over....It has to be so hard to watch your husband, your life partner and love, start to fall away from reality.  To start forgetting who his grand kids are, to start forgetting if he ate lunch and to not remember the 3 words she has asked him to recite for the last 2 months about 10 times a day.....
apple
guitar
table
She asks him over and over all day long and he was remembering at least apple for the first month or so.  Now he cant remember any, even if she just told him 2 minutes before.  I watch her face silently fall and her folded hands just twist her ring back and forth when he cant remember, likes shes trying to pray through her wedding ring... And he tries so hard and gets so frustrated.  And then Sometimes he doesn't even remember what shes talking about with reciting words....."Gram what are you talking about - words?" 
   But - If you want to know where he went while in the Navy on the boat in the war- He can tell you in detail.  He can tell you the names of most of his dogs for the last 40 years.  He can remember addresses and friends and how to run machines at Banta where he worked for many years.  He told my brother and I how to run a printing press yesterday, he talked about good management skills with bosses and how many loaves of bread he had to make on the boat for his men...
This coming from the man who didn't remember who my sister was, the man who constantly scans the room for grandma or me in a room full of family because he feels like they are strangers, the man who cant always make it to the bathroom and thought he was married to my gram for "about 30 years he guesses' - even though they just celebrated 62 years.  And when I told him 62 years he about had a heart attack that he lived with her for that long without kicking her out.  :)

They are amazing - but they are getting old and its overwhelming and so sad that my favorite, consistent loving part is coming to an end.  Its overwhelming that yesterday it all hit me and tears haven't seem to have stopped leaking through the cracks since. 
Its so sad thinking he may not remember me soon. 

Apple guitar and table ring through my head constantly.......






 


Comments

tanya b
05/15/2012 3:18am

Amber that was so heart touching you made me cry!! You are such a loving, caring, amazing person and your grandparents are so blessed to have you!! Lots of Love!

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