I probably shouldnt be writing right now - Im emotional.  I have had  a roller coaster month.  The highest highs and lowest of the low lows.  
Its hard to stay positive when your mind churns.  I always wonder if its karma or just coincidence.

i still haven't pulled it together this week.  busy and unfocused.   Ive started 5 different posts but am leaving right this second for FLordia so......until next time.

Cheers to you 
I havent written in awhile - Ive been gone on a birthday trip to the south and south east.  I will post about my week of butter and pickled things soon.  I had a fall and my tendon pulled away from my bone in my arm (idiot) so its super hard to type.

See you soon - 
I couldn't sleep the other night so at 5 am I decided to watch a movie I had rented.  - The Way-
It was a brilliant movie and one of the most thought provoking Ive seen in years.

All these struggles and burdens we carry with us.  The "what ifs" and the "only ifs".  The excuses we make for ourselves.  Our mind is constantly dragging a cross around that no one can see.  Our journey through life is what we make of it.....and these invisible crosses seem to be the source of how we live it....like an anchor being tied to our feet and dragged around as life unfolds around us.
What is it that finally changes the way you think or feel....how does the anchor get untangled from our feet?  Or makes you see yourself for what you really are and how others might think of you as. 

Its true that one second can change your life forever. 

And its not just you that controls that second.  Thats the hardest thing for me to realize in life I swear.

The man next door, your loved one, your best friend, the driver in the car next to yours, the mailman, a or a woman who lives in Canada and is here on business.  Every Person in this world possibly holds the key to your life in their hands.  That is a frightening thought if you think about it too long.  
When you have to deal with the consequences of someones elses decisions its beyond difficult. 

This movie was about respect, self reflection, dealing with burden, loss and love. 
Life really is miraculous and above all.....worth living to its fullest as you don't know when someone elses poor decision will take it away from you or change it. 

That is life.  That is love.  That is consequence.

Watch the movie.....

About 15 years ago - I got fired for my first and only time in my life (that story is for a whole blog itself) and opened up the phone book the next day to the Restaurant section in the yellow pages.  I decided the first place I pointed at I would go and apply.  It was a country club.  I went that day and applied.  Two days later I got the job, a polyester monkey suit, a bow tie and a gold name plate. 
My first day on the job I walked around the "mansion" and it was spectacular.  Classic style with tons of wood and chandeliers. I had never seen this kind of wealth before - It was amazing.  I felt I was working for the rich folk....it was all so luxurious.  Remember I was a small town girl with blue collar parents and visited my grandparents farm on the weekends so I had never experienced the country club lifestyle..
After work that day - my first day - myself and the person that trained me went out and smoked grass. 

Yes I said smoke grass. 

It was probably the last time I did and was probably the first time I had in months back then.  He asked and I said yes.  why not I wanted to fit in.  It was super funny and awkward.  And after I did I got mega - paranoid that they were testing me and I was super afraid to go back into work the next day....but I digress....I got home and sat in the bathroom on the floor and laughed that I had just smoked pot with my trainer, in a tuxedo, after setting a table with 5 courses (silverware and glasses....)for a $200 wine dinner in the private dining room.

Anyway.  This is where I learned about the finer things in life.  I learned etiquette, great service, and how people needed and wanted to be treated when they had money....and even if they didnt have money. 
I could read people and say what they needed to hear.  I liked it. 

I also liked the food.  no - LOVED the food.....Chicken a la king, foleys haddock, cream soups, lobster, foie gras, luscious desserts, filets, scallops, bernaise, buerre blanc....you name it, i ate it.   I made in good with the chefs, worked long hours, and that meant I ate pretty much every meal there.....and I ate! WOA!. 

I  learned that Crudite was a fancy word for raw vegetables, I learned how to drink coffee and smoke cigarettes in 2 minutes in the elevator shaft.  And I smoked a LOT of them I may add.

I also owe the start of my wine career to here.  I was a true saleman....not knowing anything about wine but picking the most expensive ones and trying to sell them.  I learned the "cult" names and sold sold sold.  Then I started taking a snip out of bottles - OMG I loved wine....I remember drinking red wine first, never white like most start with.  Some of the member saw that I took a liking to wine and would let me try wines that I believed I could never afford or would be able to taste again.  They would tell me of their stories traveling to wine country and I listened like a starving child.  It was all so fancy and amazing and I wanted every part of it to be my life.
I loved the members there, some were like my family.  And still to this day I am friends with some so many years later......And my dentist, my lawyer, my tire guy, my eye guy, my real estate guy and many others are still there for me....

Well -
I worked on mens night - which was Thursdays....I was one of the only women allowed in the place back then and the guys smoked stogies, drank and gambled a lil....nothing too extreme.  As the hours passed, the sun set and the moon was high, these guys would talk shit and hang out after a day of golf.  It was harmless and a ton of laughs...As the night progressed and guys headed home, there was a group that stayed later then most, and as they were shaking dice or playing cards, they would yell -


3 later they would say

"this is the FINAL FINAL"

Final final became a phrase I would hear every Thursday for years - may it be a drink or the last shake of the dice. I loved when they said that and it always made me smile.  Always.  Or after an extremely long day it would bring me relief knowing they were leaving shortly.   I havent heard those 2 words used together in years and I havent thought of it until this morning as I was brushing my teeth and staring at myself in the mirror.
I am done.
I had my final final.

Februarys month of wine
1. Acrobat Pinot gris from Oregon- Red and white
2. no wine
3. Had to be with my family - Nobilo s blanc, Beringer Napa Valley merlot and Glazebrook - Simpsons in Waupaca and Katsuya
4.Vueve Cliquot at Swig for Lunch and Ponzi Pinot Gris At Crazy Water
5. Superbowl Sunday - 00 Trefethen Merlot while watching Madonna
6. 00 Trefethen Merlot again
7. Chateau Bonnet blanc and Frogs Leap Cabernet at opening of Dockside
8. 09 Duckhorn Sauv Blanc with a great game of banagrams
9. So be it pinot noir - just a sip
10. Boys and Girls Club WIne tasting in GB - wine of the night was Coppola Cinema - zin and cab blend - super delish
11. no wine
12. no wine
13. a sip of so be it pinot noir
14.  Valentines day - had a drink with one of my bffs at Duke of Devon - Roederer estate bubbly!
15. Mt Veeder 97 Reserve Cabernet - WOA - it was a little past which was disappointing - 08 seghesio ZInfandel - super yum
16. Red and white with my girl Julie had an 08 mt Veeder Cabernet
17. 04 duckhorn Howell Mt Red - one of the better wines Ive had in months - so huge and sexy - i loved it - 18. Braise in Milwaukee with my diva Christina - An Albarino from edna valley and Au BOn climate pinot noir that was overoaked and toasty and a beautiful aglianico - then a 06 jordan cabernet in front of the fire
19. 2010 decoy red blend - banagrams with my bro
20. Whitehaven s blanc at a staff training
21. Veramonte Pinot Noir at Red and white wine tasting for pinot noir
22. Fratellos wine dinner - Ramon Biblao and Paraduxx - the duxx was gorgeous!
23. no wine
24. Pol Roger Champagne - Boys and girls club wine tasting in Appleton - Beringer Private reserve, Silver oak and many others....I was sick but still ventured forward
25. no wine
26. Guenoc Mearitage - a dear friend gave me this bottle and it was delicious even though I was dying sick - only half a glass
27. no wine
28. glazebrook at Katsuya - just a half a glass
29. Leap Year Day and a horrible day at that - why? why? why?  no wine

I sat down at church this morning.....I walked in right at the bell so.....in my grandparents eyes that is late as we are usually there 25 minutes early making sure no one steals "their" pew.
I took off my coat and then preceded to take off my gloves.  The pastor was already talking and suddenly my grandpa grabs my left hand and loudly says "Oh my your finally getting married."  The word "married" has sparked my grams attention and she turns to me and pats my leg.  I look at him and shake my head NO.  I am wearing a band on my ring finger......as I always do.  His excitement turns to disappointment and I shove a hymnal at him.
Im going to stray from this story for a minute....Believe me it gets good.....but why is it that if a woman wears a ring on "THAT" finger it atomatically means your married, getting married or taken.  What if I like to wear a ring on that finger because thats the only finger it fits on.  My left hand has been broken more than once so it smaller....i liked the ring....it fits on that one....

Alright - I move forward.
We get back to their house for donuts and instant coffee and I go to the bathroom....I return to my grandpa yelling about my grams slip.
"gram why is your slip showing and did you wear that to church"
Gram - "yes I wore it to church have you seen me change?"
Gramps- "Well why are you showing all the men at church your undergarments"
Gram -  "I dont know what your talking about"
Gramps, slamming his fist on the table -" Is that why that guy came up and talked to you- are you advertising for some men"
Now - some man came up and talked to both of them but hes forgotten that it was both of them and thinks it just her and he also thinks that my gram is showing her lingerie because she wants a new man.  Like she is bating them - similar to the way he feeds the deer apples.  They have been married 62 years and he is jealous.  Its super cute.  She ignores him and throws him a "dunker" donut.

Then he asks me if I am getting married yet.  I told him no, that would be difficult without a groom.  He then sits back like he is thinking very hard.  He puts his hand on his chin and looks at me with the most sincere face and Says "Do you know what your missing?"

Do I know what I am missing?   Really......

i say "no grampa why dont you tell me what I am missing?"

He thinks for a second and I honestly cant believe my gram hasnt butted in the conversation but for once she is quiet - waiting to see what he will say.

He says "well kids"  - He said " I have 5 and they come over and visit and thats nice"

I will give him that.  I tell him "someday" and then he said "well honey you better start looking because your getting old"


He asked if maybe I was too picky or maybe if I worked too much.
He asked if when I go on all these trips why I couldnt find a nice man.
He asked if I went on dates and if I was nice
He asked if my friends maybe new someone
He asked If maybe I read to much like Gram
He asked if my car was driving ok
He asked again if I worked too much
He asked if I liked my job
He asked if I wanted one of the gross donuts
he asked If I wanted another cup of instant coffee
He asked if I wanted to go out and feed his cat with him
He asked if I wanted a shot of brandy with him
He asked If my ex still lived in my old house which he actuallly called a "mansion"
He asked if I wanted to read the paper with him
He then asked one more time "are you sure your not getting married?"

My grandma told him to be quiet

As i was leaving he thanked me for the bottle of brandy I bought him, squeezed my hand and asked me If I could find someone to marry me....and then he hugged me and told me he loved me.  and that if I wanted I could come again. 
I told him to worry about  grandmas slip - not me.  he then stopped asking me questions and I left to him tugging at my grams slip and him giving her the third degree about trying to get a new man...

Wild one today