Change......the weather, the seasons, your friends, your partners, your underwear, your oil.  Change is so hard and we try to discount its enormity.   I am sitting in a grey area in my life right now.  Im not ashamed of it or afraid to talk about it.  I feel like nothing is quite right.  Like something is constantly off.  Its disturbing and I find it harder then normal to sleep at night.  I know, like everyone else, we struggle to find out what makes us happy and the people around us in our lives happy too.  What do you do when you dont know what makes you happy anymore?  Or maybe what ever made you happy in the first place.  I have this amazing life and I dont feel satisfied.  Does that make me selfish?  or ungrateful?  or not knowing how good I have it or lucky I am?  I hear about how lucky I am over and over during my day.  I know I live and lead a good life.  I have a great job, I have great friends, family and I  travel all the time (which I love)  So why the unfullfillment.  A friend told me I need a baby- I laughed.  Another told me to go sew my oats in the love circus- HA that sounds like a headache.  Someone else told me to move to Cali and live out my dreams - maybe.....but what is it really? 
I should exercise more, i should donate more, give more of my time, work harder, see my friends more, read more,  love more, live more.  More.   Its always more. 
Im ashamed to say Im not 100% happy.  I should be.  people have lives and problems that I cant even have nightmares about.  I appreciate what I have but this second it doesnt seem like I try hard enough.
Instead I think about how Im bored with my job, part of my soul is gone and I miss her every single day 1000 times, my family cant get it right and again.......I just feel ungrateful. 

So the next step will come.....because It always comes, and I will continue to live and feel amazing most of the time.   And I hope I find it.......and I will. 

I hope its everything you dreamed your life would be and so much more

Leave a Reply.