I stood in the middle of my backyard tonight in the rain, looking up into this tree with all yellow leaves shining in the moon light......it was ghostly and more importantly, it was comforting as rain drenched me, mascara running down my face and stinging my eyes - rain hiding my tears.
   The decisions you make follow you.  Forever.  If I could take my favorite memories, my laugh out loud times, my feeling loved to the point of exploding times, the way my my grandparents are so proud of me times, the times I felt supported the most by friends......Why is those times- the best times- that end up making you feel such loss. Why is it when we are feeling impossible, we open up the palm of our hands and look back to all of those "feel Good" memories....and those memories that ended up making you feel so amazing now make you feel so sad and lost. 
I have a jar filled with real november rain from 1995.  It was a tough year for me.  Ive kept it with me through every ridiculous move and coddled it in my front seat along with my best wine as every move took place.  I wouldnt let my poor brother touch it, afraid he would be the one to break the bottle through every move and loss (thank you matt)
I keep it as a reminder of how life can be cruel and amazing. 
How life can make you grow up fast and how life can be so soft and loving. 
How your mind and heart can work together and how it can be the worst enemies at times. 
How life can deal you hearts all year long......and then turn around and shove a spade through your heart.
How life can be learning, laughing and as stiff as black silk coffee. 
How life can bloom 87 blossoms and die the next month.
How life can walk you through the dungeons so you can appreciate the light.
How life can test you and you think you get an A only to find out you failed
How life can let the sun shine on your face when the sun isnt out
How life can show you that inside its you - you control your destiny

My destiny is unknown.  Im lucky to have love, lost and lived.


- nothing lasts forever - even cold november rain

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