picture it, at church in our pew very close to the front so we can hear. We have all the rows behind us full of people and 2 rows of regulars in front of us. I notice right away that Gramps has forgotten his glasses AGAIN. Great. Gram notices this too as we are singing the first hymn. Grandpa is holding the hymnal upside down and pretending to read it so she doesnt notice- we are on 219. He is who knows where because its upside down. My gram smacks him, he fake jumps all startled, and he looks down at her and shes tapping on her glasses and then shook her pointer finger at him, silently scolding him. I, of course, am trying not to laugh. He shuts the book and looks forward, then turns to me and says "i may as well go home." I dont look at him, continue singing and shake my head at him.
Church goes on and we pray and sing and listen quietly. We had a pleasant surprise after the sermon that the Senior Bell Choir was going to play! great. They start and all of a sudden I see her slap his leg. He jumps startled and looks at her. Out of the corner of my eye I can see her plugging her nose. Im not sure if she was signaling to him that he had a bloody nose (this happens often) or what. I look over at her now and hes looking at her too. He shrugs at her like "what?" He touches his nose and looks at his hand - nothing? He looks at her again and shrugs - she grabs her nose again and sticks out her tongue like shes gagging or something. Now Im even more confused? I didnt see anything wrong with him and I didnt smell anything out of the usual weird normal so?
I could tell she was getting fiesty though. So the bell choir is chiming away and everyone is quiet and all of a sudden my Gram can't help it anymore she is so irritated with my gramps for not knowing what shes trying to silently say to him - she yells out "DID YOU STEP IN SHIT WITH YOUR SHOES?"- Oh my God - she did not just yell that in a completely quiet church except for the damn old lady bell ringers in the balcony - did she? Yes she did.
I tried not to laugh I swear. Tried being the word.
The people in front of us were very still as my grandpa now tries to look at his shoe to see if he did, by chance, step in shit. He looks at her and says "no gram"
I am laughing. The bells are done. We are supposed to stand now and I know at least 5 rows have heard her if not more. As we stand to say prayers I cant stop laughing (not out loud laughing- the hold back laugh were u cant look at anyone in the eyes for fear you will spit all over them and laugh out loud so hard and my eyes were watering)
As we leave church they both seem to have forgotten that this has happened. I, have not. As we walk out people are looking at us and Gram says hello and waves. Friendly people today.
We get outside and Gramps says "so you getting married yet?"
Nope - wipe the shit off of your shoes please